The Unexpected...

I promise...I haven't forgotten about the blog.  It has actually been on my mind a lot lately.  But life...well life is good at throwing curve balls that you don't quite expect.  I had a curve ball come this week.  Actually, let me go back to January 1st and share a little bit about what 2010 has looked liked for our family so far.  Note:  I know this blog is about the homeless, but ultimately I think it is about sharing stories...getting to know who people are and what they have gone through...peeling away the outer layers so you see the person underneath.  No I am not homeless (though I feel like our family could be right on the verge of it, but thankfully we have loving family and friends who would never let us be on the streets and without a roof over our heads), but I am going to let you take an intimate peek into our life this past month and five days.  I guess if I am going to share intimate things about other people's lives I have to be willing to do the same with my own....otherwise I suppose I would be a bit of a hypocrite.

So January 1st, 2010 was a fun day for our family.  Not only was it the start of a new year, which I was ready for...2009 was tough in many ways....but it was also the day we found out our family was going to expand.  We had been trying for about 4 months to get pregnant.  It didn't happen as quickly as I expected.  With Naomi I got pregnant the same month I stopped taking birth control, but this time it took a little longer.  Might have been due to extra stress in our lives from financial situations we are going through.  Or it could just be God wanted us to wait a little longer...to learn patience.  Whatever the case I found out early in the morning on January 1st that I was pregnant with our second child.  We couldn't keep it secret for long.  Family knew within the day and friends knew within days.  We were so excited...how could we keep it a secret?  I know some people wait until they are in the "safe zone"...you know...they just want to be sure they won't have a miscarriage.  The thought crossed my mind, but I figured it wasn't going to happen to me.  It doesn't run in my immediate family.  I was healthy, and if for some crazy reason it did...I would want the support and prayers of the people around me.  So we shared openly with everybody that we were expecting our second baby!  What fun news to share...babies are always a blessing!

The month moved along slowly due to the fact that I quickly started feeling sick soon after finding out I was pregnant.  I was sick my entire pregnancy with Naomi, so this was normal for me...through I was hoping and praying it wouldn't last the entire pregnancy, just the normal 1st trimester.  Each week I would go online and look at my baby's progress for the week. What was he doing now?  How big was he?  Following along on my baby's journey was fun, and helped me feel more connected to him.  I call the baby him because Mat and I were both hoping for a boy.  Mat was the first to start referring to the baby as him...speaking out what he wanted to be truth.  We have always both wanted two children...one girl and one boy.  We have our beautiful daughter Naomi, and were praying that this next child would be our little boy.  Of course whatever we have we will be happy and thankful for, but our hearts long for that little boy.  Whether he comes through birth or adoption we will have a son one day.

On Wednesday the 27th, I got a call from a case worker with the state that Naomi and I both qualified for OHP (Oregon Health Plan)!  Boy that was a good day, and so refreshing to have some more good news!  I was NOT expecting that they would say that I qualified, but because I was pregnant I did.  Praise God for his provision!  With OHP my entire pregnancy would be paid for...we would have no out of pocket expenses on our part!  I can't tell you how good that news was to hear!  All the case worker needed was for me to provide proof I was pregnant. No problem!  I was definitely pregnant, I was fighting nausea while we talked...I was definitely pregnant.  I went that afternoon to the Pregnancy Resource Center in Bend to get my proof of pregnancy, and have them fax it off right away.  I took the test and right away the stick verified there was a beautiful baby growing inside me.  We faxed off the form to the case worker, and before I left, the ladies working there let me know that if I was interested I could have a free ultrasound at their Redmond clinic.  Well of course I would take advantage of a free ultrasound!  It would be my chance to take a look at my little guy and have him measured to see how far along he and I really were.  They called Redmond and scheduled me an appointment for Monday, February 1st at 2:00.  I just had to wait 5 days and I would get to go in and see my little guy!  How fun, and what an unexpected surprise!

So Monday the1st came.  I woke up excited for the day ahead.  Naomi and I went to lunch at Subway, and I took her to the indoor playground to get her energy out with other little kids her age.  It was fun watching her run and play with the other kids.  Her new favorite thing is going down the slide by herself!  It is so cute to see how proud she is of her accomplishments!  We left the play-center and headed home where my mom met us, and at 1:00 we headed to Redmond for the ultrasound.

The nurse called us in and we chatted a little bit.  Sharing our excitement for being moms and what a wonderful miracle birth is.  She got me on the table and jelled up my belly.  My mom and Naomi were by my side.  The nurse said not to worry that the first few minutes she was just going to get a feel for where everything was in my body, so not to be concerned that she wouldn't be saying anything for a few minutes.  No problem!  I waited, excited to have her turn on the screen and show me my little guy growing inside me.  After a while of looking she said, "I am not hearing or seeing a heartbeat.  Do you want me to turn on the screen, or keep looking for the heartbeat?"  I wasn't concerned...I was sick, tired, experiencing all that I knew being pregnant felt like, so I told her to take her time and find the heartbeat and then we could turn on the screen.  But after another short period she still couldn't find any life.  What?  How can there not be any life?  I just had a test and was told I was pregnant!  I feel pregnant...how can there be no life?  If this was my only chance to see my baby I wanted to see him now, so I asked to have the screen turned on (picture above was taken during this visit).  There he was...measuring in at 6.5 weeks, even though he should have measured at 9 weeks.  But there was no movement.  No heartbeat.  Even the yolk sac didn't look like what a baby at 6 or 9 weeks should have. I was devastated and heartbroken...how did it happen?  Why?  What did I do?  But there were no answers.  I just needed to call my doctor and make sure I got seen as soon as possible.

On the drive home (thankfully my mom was with me and drove back to Bend) I called my doctor and they wanted me to come into Central Oregon Radiology as soon as I got back into Bend so that I could get an "official" ultrasound done.  So with a ray of hope that I would get different news, we headed there.  Mat met us there, and soon I was in having another ultrasound done.  But the news was the same...there was no life...no heartbeat.  I felt like I lost a piece of myself.  Just that morning I woke up pregnant...dreaming of the year ahead...the holidays we would share with our new addition.  Now those dreams were gone.  My baby had died 2 1/2 weeks earlier and I had no idea.  How could I not feel it?  How could I not know that something was wrong?

My doctor offered me three options...1. Wait until my body naturally lets go of the baby.  2. Take medication that will help my body go into labor within a few hours.  3. Have a D&C procedure, where I would be put asleep and they would go in and take the baby out.  I didn't want to draw out this awful experience any longer, so I opted to just take the medication.  It had already been 2 1/2 weeks and my body hadn't naturally let the baby go, so who knew how much longer it would take?  This was already in the books for one of the worst days I have experienced so far, so I might as well just finish it off that way instead of dragging out the inevitable.

That night I went to my moms, and Mat kept Naomi at home.  I took the medication at 7:30 pm, which was horrible and felt so unnatural.  I struggled with the feelings that I might be taking my baby's life...what if both the ultrasounds were wrong?  What if he was living, and now I WAS KILLING HIM.  What if God healed his little body, and I wasn't giving God a chance to do a miracle in my child?  Was my faith that weak?  But I took the medication and waited....the doctor said it could take 30 minutes to a couple hours to take effect.  Well each hour ticked away...."God please don't drag this out any more!"  I prayed over and over that He would just bring this horrible thing to a close.  By 4:30 am on the morning of the 2nd, what I think was the baby and placenta came out.  Exhausted I finally got to go to sleep, and I pretty much did that the next two days.  My bed was my comfort, and sleep my escape.

This week has been exhausting and emotional.  It is still weird for me to wrap my mind around the fact that September 7th I won't be having my baby.  That Naomi isn't going to be a big sister just yet.  My heart hurts and feels the loss.  Even though the baby was still very early along in its journey of life...it was still my baby.  My belief is that at conception life forms and begins, so for me I lost a baby...a human being.  I had read something at the Pregnancy Resource Center that around 7 or 8 weeks the baby has all the parts and features of a grown adult, but it all just needs to develop and grow.  Life is such a miracle!  It is so amazing how God brings everything into perfect order for a baby to grow and develop inside the mom!  It amazes and humbles me whenever I think about it!

So January 1st we found out we were adding a new addition to our family of three in 2010, and on February 1st we found out our child was in heaven with his heavenly Father.  I still don't understand the "whys" behind this.  But I trust and believe that when God says that He will work ALL THINGS out for my good that He WILL.  He will turn this ugly situation into something beautiful.  I trust one day I will look back and see little rays of light shining through what looks to me to be a totally black and ugly situation.  I trust He will give us our second child when He is ready.  Life is full of lessons and I will, and have learned some new ones this past week.

Thank you to each of you who have prayed for our family this week.  Thank you for the love and encouragement.  Thank you to those who have brought us a meal.  Thank you to each of you who have opened up and shared your story with me about how you lost a child of your own due to a miscarriage.  It amazes me how many people can relate to this story!  People I never realized have gone through this have...some multiple times.  I would never ever wish this on anybody, but there is comfort knowing I am not alone.

So I share all this just so you know:  1. Why I have been slow in getting Mike's story on here, and 2. So you can see a little more into who I am...especially for those of you who may stumble upon this site and not know who I am at all.

Have patience my friends...Mike's story is coming soon.  I know you will be blessed when you read it!  I have been challenged personally as I sit and listen to him on the recorder and put it on paper.  You will enjoy meeting Mike as he shares his story with you!

So stay tuned...there is more to come...soon!

Make the most of every opportunity...

So every "good" writer creates anticipation and excitement for what is ahead right? Well I have a little something to share that will hopefully create excitement for stories that are to come. As I share these things on this blog it is almost like I am making a commitment to you all (though I am not even sure who "you" all are just yet) to stick with this, and not overlook the little opportunities I have been given.

Last night at JOURNEY (the church I go to here in Bend, OR) I sat next to a friend named Skip who I met at JOURNEY about a year or so ago. He is homeless and lives on the streets in a tent with one of his friends, and his other loyal companion and friend...his dog. He is what you would picture a classic homeless man to look like...long beard, dirty clothes, and always smelling a little like alcohol. For some reason I have been blessed to get to know him a little better than I know even some of the regulars at JOURNEY, and we always make a point to catch up with each other when we see one another. He also enjoys saying hi to my daughter, and the random hug she offers. You know the innocence of children is truly beautiful! If only we could all look at people through the eyes of children, and not see them through the lens that our society teaches us to look through...but through eyes that simply see a human, another person just like us. Man we have so much to learn from those precious little ones!

So as I mentioned, Skip sat next to my mom and I last night. After the service the three of us were visiting, and he was telling us where he is camped out in town now. Seems the police keep him on the move, as some of the locations he chooses to set up camp are not always the most appropriate spots for someone to be living in their tent. Skip tends to be a fairly private person in many regards, but I worked up the courage to ask him if he has ever shared his life story in writing. After the jokes about it taking months to write all the things down that have happened to him, he looked at me very seriously and told me he couldn't tell me about his life...it would be too hard for me to hear. After a little more talking and encouragement on the part of my mom and I he finally decided to share a piece of it with us...maybe he was testing us to see how we responded? Not sure...but what he shared broke my heart, not so much because of what I heard, but because of how I saw that it still broke his heart. Very bluntly he told us that when he was in "Nam" he killed a baby. He explained that he had no other option at the time, but hates himself for it and has never been able to escape the images of that act. Tears welled up in his eyes as he once again relived the memory of that horrific time in his life. I gave him a hug and told him I was sorry he had to go through such a difficult experience. In the end he agreed to meet with my mom and I next Sunday for lunch and at that time he will gives us the complete story. Then with his approval, I will pass that story on to all of you. I believe that it will be another story that will impact us all, and change the way we see the homeless around us.

That brief interaction with Skip last night encouraged me all the more that, even though someone chooses to live on the streets like Skip does, there is always something significant in their life that brought them to the point of believing that life on the streets is more normal than having a home and family--that life on the streets is safer than the alternative. For Skip it almost seems to me that in his heart of hearts he doesn't think he deserves anything better because of what he did to that baby. It is apparent it still haunts him today. May this little insight remind us to have a little extra patience as we come across homeless people in our day to day lives. I know when I hear all of Skip's story I won't be able to even imagine myself walking in his shoes, and will have a greater respect for the man he is and what has brought him to where he is today.

So now not only do you have Mike's story to look forward to reading, but Skip's as well. :-)

Blessings and love,
Ranae

Starting the journey....sad at a loss...

I can't wait any longer...I have waited too long already! Today in honor of Mike Lampton I am starting this journey with Behind The Signs. I am not sure where it will take me and what the Lord has in store for it, but I know I am supposed to do it. I have been overwhelmed by the feeling that the stories of homeless people need to be shared for too long. And even though I don't feel like the most eloquent writer, or the right person for the job...I need to be obedient. I had a friend share a quote with me a few months ago that hangs in my mind and continually reminds me of the vision I had for Behind The Signs. The quote is from Andy Stanley, "I think it is safe to assume that most Christians are not attempting anything that requires God’s intervention." She then encouraged me by saying, "I believe so strongly that God is looking for more believers who will dare to dream large dreams that they are incapable of bringing about from their own resources or talents or connections ... because then when God intervenes, all will know this was His doing." That is how I feel about Behind The Signs...it is way bigger than me! Wayyyy bigger than my resources or abilities, but if anything comes from it may the Lord be glorified because it won't be because someone with all this amazing, unhidden talent put it to work....it was because someone had a vision for something bigger than them self and stepped out in faith knowing that God is just looking for a willing heart. He equips the called, and I believe and trust He will equip me to share the stories of the homeless. I pray He uses this to open people's eyes to homelessness in our society, because right now I believe our view of homelessness is way off target.

You are probably wondering what Behind The Signs even means...well let me explain. About a year ago I was talking to my mom, who at the time was very involved in volunteering at a local homeless shelter, about how I felt the stories of the homeless need to be shared. I thought it would be awesome if some talented individual would write a book. I never saw myself in the picture...just saw a need and thought that someone needed to step up. Well some time later (a couple months or so)I was reading the book "Same Kind of Different As Me" by Ron Hall & Denver Moore. It is the story of how Ron & his wife Debbie met Denver at a homeless shelter and a beautiful friendship evolved. They share the journey of their lives before, during, and after that friendship started. It is a great book and worth reading! While reading that book I just felt like the Lord spoke to my heart and told me that I needed to be the one to share the stories of the homeless. Now feeling God's presence like this isn't something I get blessed with on a regular basis, but I have been blessed to hear Him a few different times in my life so I knew He was prompting me and it wasn't coming from myself. After I felt Him put that on my heart about being the one to share the stories, all the sudden I had the title "Behind The Signs" come to mind with a vision for what that means and what I am supposed to do. I still feel humbled writing this, and feel like I could cry because I just don't feel qualified and still find myself asking the Lord why He would choose me to do this...there has to be someone better qualified to do this?! I have even talked to people in hopes that they would want to run with it, but all that happens is I get encouraged to continue on and share these stories.

As this blog evolves my desire is that you will see "Behind The Signs" of the homeless and realize that there is a person just like you and I there. Someone who is loved by someone...they may be a mother or father, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, or a friend...but they are thought of by someone out there and important. As you read I pray you can peel away the exterior of the person that you are reading about and see who they are inside. Then hopefully carry that into your every day life and allow yourself to see beyond the exterior of all those you come in contact with. I hope you can look past the sign the lady is holding on the street corner that reads "HUNGRY! WILL WORK FOR FOOD", look past the cigarette and beer bottle being consumed by the person you always see sitting in front of the grocery store who always claims to be out of money yet here he is with a cigarette and beer (this is still a hard one for me to see...but this person is still someone, just like me, who has a story of how they got where they are). That you can look past the long beard, weathered face, and torn clothes of the old man you see day in and day out in front of the local coffee shop, or look past the actions of that annoying teen who has no home to call his own or parents to tell him they love him, yet always seems to grate on everybody's nerves because of the trouble he finds so easily. I know most of us drive and walk by these people almost every day as we go about our lives. In our society we judge on the outer appearance, which has bothered me ever since my junior high and high school days...but it is the truth - we judge on the outer appearance. So we pass by these people and make our judgement on who they are and why they are where they are, and go on with our day feeling justified in our assessment of that person and the situation. Yet so often we are terribly wrong. That person is just like you and I! They are loved by someone, just like we are. For them to be where they are they have more than likely experienced some pretty tough things in their life...even if they choose to be homeless I am pretty sure there was something in their life, some event, that changed their perspective and made them think living on the streets is better than having a house and family. My hope is that as I share the stories of homeless people on this blog you will feel like you are sitting down with the person sharing their story...having a cup of coffee with them if you will...and learning about WHO they are. We have a lot to learn from these people! I know in the past couple years that I have started getting more involved in the homeless community my eyes have been opened in amazing ways.

I titled this blog "Starting the journey...sad at a loss...", the loss is that on January 17, 2010 a friend that I met at the local homeless shelter, Mike Lampton, passed away and went to be with the Lord. Today we celebrated his life, and again I felt convicted that I haven't been obedient with what the Lord has placed on my heart. I had the great privilege to sit down with Mike this summer and interview him. Talk about an amazing man and a transformation of life! Mike's story will be the first I share on Behind The Signs. Please stay tuned...you won't want to miss "coffee" with Mike. Though actually with Mike it would probably be a smoothy...he really enjoyed those during his last few days, and actually he had one the day I got to interview him! Reading his story will be worth your time! I know you won't be the same after reading it!

Thanks for sharing in this journey with me! To whoever is reading this, please keep me accountable with this! I know we can all learn so much from the stories of the homeless...the stories of each other.

Until next time...
Blessings to you!
Ranae