The Unexpected...

I promise...I haven't forgotten about the blog.  It has actually been on my mind a lot lately.  But life...well life is good at throwing curve balls that you don't quite expect.  I had a curve ball come this week.  Actually, let me go back to January 1st and share a little bit about what 2010 has looked liked for our family so far.  Note:  I know this blog is about the homeless, but ultimately I think it is about sharing stories...getting to know who people are and what they have gone through...peeling away the outer layers so you see the person underneath.  No I am not homeless (though I feel like our family could be right on the verge of it, but thankfully we have loving family and friends who would never let us be on the streets and without a roof over our heads), but I am going to let you take an intimate peek into our life this past month and five days.  I guess if I am going to share intimate things about other people's lives I have to be willing to do the same with my own....otherwise I suppose I would be a bit of a hypocrite.

So January 1st, 2010 was a fun day for our family.  Not only was it the start of a new year, which I was ready for...2009 was tough in many ways....but it was also the day we found out our family was going to expand.  We had been trying for about 4 months to get pregnant.  It didn't happen as quickly as I expected.  With Naomi I got pregnant the same month I stopped taking birth control, but this time it took a little longer.  Might have been due to extra stress in our lives from financial situations we are going through.  Or it could just be God wanted us to wait a little longer...to learn patience.  Whatever the case I found out early in the morning on January 1st that I was pregnant with our second child.  We couldn't keep it secret for long.  Family knew within the day and friends knew within days.  We were so excited...how could we keep it a secret?  I know some people wait until they are in the "safe zone"...you know...they just want to be sure they won't have a miscarriage.  The thought crossed my mind, but I figured it wasn't going to happen to me.  It doesn't run in my immediate family.  I was healthy, and if for some crazy reason it did...I would want the support and prayers of the people around me.  So we shared openly with everybody that we were expecting our second baby!  What fun news to share...babies are always a blessing!

The month moved along slowly due to the fact that I quickly started feeling sick soon after finding out I was pregnant.  I was sick my entire pregnancy with Naomi, so this was normal for me...through I was hoping and praying it wouldn't last the entire pregnancy, just the normal 1st trimester.  Each week I would go online and look at my baby's progress for the week. What was he doing now?  How big was he?  Following along on my baby's journey was fun, and helped me feel more connected to him.  I call the baby him because Mat and I were both hoping for a boy.  Mat was the first to start referring to the baby as him...speaking out what he wanted to be truth.  We have always both wanted two children...one girl and one boy.  We have our beautiful daughter Naomi, and were praying that this next child would be our little boy.  Of course whatever we have we will be happy and thankful for, but our hearts long for that little boy.  Whether he comes through birth or adoption we will have a son one day.

On Wednesday the 27th, I got a call from a case worker with the state that Naomi and I both qualified for OHP (Oregon Health Plan)!  Boy that was a good day, and so refreshing to have some more good news!  I was NOT expecting that they would say that I qualified, but because I was pregnant I did.  Praise God for his provision!  With OHP my entire pregnancy would be paid for...we would have no out of pocket expenses on our part!  I can't tell you how good that news was to hear!  All the case worker needed was for me to provide proof I was pregnant. No problem!  I was definitely pregnant, I was fighting nausea while we talked...I was definitely pregnant.  I went that afternoon to the Pregnancy Resource Center in Bend to get my proof of pregnancy, and have them fax it off right away.  I took the test and right away the stick verified there was a beautiful baby growing inside me.  We faxed off the form to the case worker, and before I left, the ladies working there let me know that if I was interested I could have a free ultrasound at their Redmond clinic.  Well of course I would take advantage of a free ultrasound!  It would be my chance to take a look at my little guy and have him measured to see how far along he and I really were.  They called Redmond and scheduled me an appointment for Monday, February 1st at 2:00.  I just had to wait 5 days and I would get to go in and see my little guy!  How fun, and what an unexpected surprise!

So Monday the1st came.  I woke up excited for the day ahead.  Naomi and I went to lunch at Subway, and I took her to the indoor playground to get her energy out with other little kids her age.  It was fun watching her run and play with the other kids.  Her new favorite thing is going down the slide by herself!  It is so cute to see how proud she is of her accomplishments!  We left the play-center and headed home where my mom met us, and at 1:00 we headed to Redmond for the ultrasound.

The nurse called us in and we chatted a little bit.  Sharing our excitement for being moms and what a wonderful miracle birth is.  She got me on the table and jelled up my belly.  My mom and Naomi were by my side.  The nurse said not to worry that the first few minutes she was just going to get a feel for where everything was in my body, so not to be concerned that she wouldn't be saying anything for a few minutes.  No problem!  I waited, excited to have her turn on the screen and show me my little guy growing inside me.  After a while of looking she said, "I am not hearing or seeing a heartbeat.  Do you want me to turn on the screen, or keep looking for the heartbeat?"  I wasn't concerned...I was sick, tired, experiencing all that I knew being pregnant felt like, so I told her to take her time and find the heartbeat and then we could turn on the screen.  But after another short period she still couldn't find any life.  What?  How can there not be any life?  I just had a test and was told I was pregnant!  I feel pregnant...how can there be no life?  If this was my only chance to see my baby I wanted to see him now, so I asked to have the screen turned on (picture above was taken during this visit).  There he was...measuring in at 6.5 weeks, even though he should have measured at 9 weeks.  But there was no movement.  No heartbeat.  Even the yolk sac didn't look like what a baby at 6 or 9 weeks should have. I was devastated and heartbroken...how did it happen?  Why?  What did I do?  But there were no answers.  I just needed to call my doctor and make sure I got seen as soon as possible.

On the drive home (thankfully my mom was with me and drove back to Bend) I called my doctor and they wanted me to come into Central Oregon Radiology as soon as I got back into Bend so that I could get an "official" ultrasound done.  So with a ray of hope that I would get different news, we headed there.  Mat met us there, and soon I was in having another ultrasound done.  But the news was the same...there was no life...no heartbeat.  I felt like I lost a piece of myself.  Just that morning I woke up pregnant...dreaming of the year ahead...the holidays we would share with our new addition.  Now those dreams were gone.  My baby had died 2 1/2 weeks earlier and I had no idea.  How could I not feel it?  How could I not know that something was wrong?

My doctor offered me three options...1. Wait until my body naturally lets go of the baby.  2. Take medication that will help my body go into labor within a few hours.  3. Have a D&C procedure, where I would be put asleep and they would go in and take the baby out.  I didn't want to draw out this awful experience any longer, so I opted to just take the medication.  It had already been 2 1/2 weeks and my body hadn't naturally let the baby go, so who knew how much longer it would take?  This was already in the books for one of the worst days I have experienced so far, so I might as well just finish it off that way instead of dragging out the inevitable.

That night I went to my moms, and Mat kept Naomi at home.  I took the medication at 7:30 pm, which was horrible and felt so unnatural.  I struggled with the feelings that I might be taking my baby's life...what if both the ultrasounds were wrong?  What if he was living, and now I WAS KILLING HIM.  What if God healed his little body, and I wasn't giving God a chance to do a miracle in my child?  Was my faith that weak?  But I took the medication and waited....the doctor said it could take 30 minutes to a couple hours to take effect.  Well each hour ticked away...."God please don't drag this out any more!"  I prayed over and over that He would just bring this horrible thing to a close.  By 4:30 am on the morning of the 2nd, what I think was the baby and placenta came out.  Exhausted I finally got to go to sleep, and I pretty much did that the next two days.  My bed was my comfort, and sleep my escape.

This week has been exhausting and emotional.  It is still weird for me to wrap my mind around the fact that September 7th I won't be having my baby.  That Naomi isn't going to be a big sister just yet.  My heart hurts and feels the loss.  Even though the baby was still very early along in its journey of life...it was still my baby.  My belief is that at conception life forms and begins, so for me I lost a baby...a human being.  I had read something at the Pregnancy Resource Center that around 7 or 8 weeks the baby has all the parts and features of a grown adult, but it all just needs to develop and grow.  Life is such a miracle!  It is so amazing how God brings everything into perfect order for a baby to grow and develop inside the mom!  It amazes and humbles me whenever I think about it!

So January 1st we found out we were adding a new addition to our family of three in 2010, and on February 1st we found out our child was in heaven with his heavenly Father.  I still don't understand the "whys" behind this.  But I trust and believe that when God says that He will work ALL THINGS out for my good that He WILL.  He will turn this ugly situation into something beautiful.  I trust one day I will look back and see little rays of light shining through what looks to me to be a totally black and ugly situation.  I trust He will give us our second child when He is ready.  Life is full of lessons and I will, and have learned some new ones this past week.

Thank you to each of you who have prayed for our family this week.  Thank you for the love and encouragement.  Thank you to those who have brought us a meal.  Thank you to each of you who have opened up and shared your story with me about how you lost a child of your own due to a miscarriage.  It amazes me how many people can relate to this story!  People I never realized have gone through this have...some multiple times.  I would never ever wish this on anybody, but there is comfort knowing I am not alone.

So I share all this just so you know:  1. Why I have been slow in getting Mike's story on here, and 2. So you can see a little more into who I am...especially for those of you who may stumble upon this site and not know who I am at all.

Have patience my friends...Mike's story is coming soon.  I know you will be blessed when you read it!  I have been challenged personally as I sit and listen to him on the recorder and put it on paper.  You will enjoy meeting Mike as he shares his story with you!

So stay tuned...there is more to come...soon!